Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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