Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
