I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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