You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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