he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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