remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
A+ Viking dick
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
