how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Moan for me like Helen Keller
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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