She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
