i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
