I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
