chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
