i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
