Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
