K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
