Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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