I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I have post one night stand depression
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
