Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
