Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
