ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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