As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
