my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
