before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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