im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
