i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
FUCK WHALES
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
