if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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