Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
