Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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