I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
