I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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