Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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