Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
