Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
