Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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