I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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