3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
