My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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