I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
