Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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