I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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