it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
