my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
