i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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