even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you didnt know i had herpes?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
