A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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