she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
