what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
