Is it normal to miss your booty call?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
