i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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