Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I showed him my bush... on skype.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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