i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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