Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
