my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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