; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
