someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
