If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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