Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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