You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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