I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
