I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
