i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Sext me about skeletons
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
