i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
