when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
